Dateline: Last Week, Monticello, KY

A lot of times on the road you find yourself in unfamiliar territory. You drive deep into some very rural counties only to find a county about 150sq. miles wide. You think these are just blips on the radar screen, but very often in my line of work, they are goldmines for business. Within a two block radius you can hit enough businesses to satisfy your weekly quota and then some. Well...Monticello, KY (Wayne Co.) is one of these places. It's also here you see things you wouldn't necessarily see in large, metropolitan cities...say for instance Atlanta. Or maybe you would, but not to this degree.

Riding last week I was coming out of one call and heading to lunch. Lee's Famous Recipe Buffet was calling my name. The Colonel and his 11 herbs and spices be damned, I'm a Lee's guy. After killing $40 worth of fried chicken for roughly $4.50 I made my way back into civilization. It was here I saw the most blatant display of public indecency / intoxication / redneckness I'd ever seen.

Two roughnecks were putting the finishing touches on a billboard. As the one gent descended from his perch, I guess he needed to relieve himself from all the Mt. Dews and Pabst he had been crushing some 50 ft. in the air. Did he find a tree to go under? No. Behind a parked car? Nope. He decided to whip it out and write his name all over the side of the road. Mind you, it was 12:30 in the afternoon. And as this guy was pissing away cars were driving by, honking their horns, this guy continued to urinate and wave at the crowd. Like, "Look at me. I can pee in public. And I have a third grade education to prove it." Either this guy is hung like John Holmes or just too stupid to realize what in the hell he was doing. I'll opt for the former.

Listen, as a guy, I've had to go at some inopportune times. Mostly on the golf course before the turn on the back 9. But I either find a Port-O-John or a tree. "I'm going to find my ball over there in the brush" I'll tell my friends but they know what I'm up to. But from here on out, things are going to be different. When I'm taking the Bluegrass Parkway home, I'm just going to whip it out in a construction zone. "Uhhhmmm excuse me officer, I was only pissing. I had my cruise set on 45MPH. Is my fine still doubled?"